Even starting with the understanding that both sexes are qualified
to be parents, Dads are just different from Moms. It isn't a matter
of depth. Dads love their children just as deeply as moms. It isn't
a matter of style. There are as many approaches to fatherhood as there
are to motherhood. It seems to be in the immediacy of the relationship.
Mothers know all about what we do, when we do it and everything we
are. There are no secrets from Mom.
Dads, though, don't have that need to know everything. Fathers have
a kind of distance; a presence that is more tent than blanket. For
them, details are irrelevant and frequently bewildering. It is hard
for a dad to appreciate the tragedy of a bad haircut or the anguish
of a missed phone call. Dads have no idea why nail strengtheners are
a major focus of our conversation. Even after comprehensive instruction,
they won't quite see why those shoes could not possibly be worn with
that dress. Dads regularly express regret over things that make no
sense to them at all. They are just sorry we feel bad.
And, that is incredibly comforting.
He doesn't need to hear the debates and discussions of what was right
or who was wrong; he only wants us not to be hurt.
Dads don't jump into the daily fray, but they are vigilant for the
threats that can do real harm. They know they will be called if there
is something important. Fathers are like a giant, love over-draft
protection. If we write a behavioral check that we can't cash, Dad
will cover it. If we stand trembling and alone, too far out on the
limb, Dad is going to be there. He may have a lecture and he may have
a switch, but he will also have the net to catch us.
And, Dads aren't really joking when they talk to our boyfriends
about what will happen if we come in late. Anyone who doesn't appreciate
that daughters are precious to Dads is at great risk for personal
injury.
So much is unsaid with Dads. Studies show that the average woman
speaks over 25,000 words each day. The average man speaks about 12,500.
It is no surprise that by the time they get home from work, most men
have used up their quota. Men do not seem to have the need to talk
as much as we do. Women talk so much, so freely with each other. To
properly discuss an eventful day with our mother includes facts, figures,
motivational speculation and extensive quotes.
The complete transcript of the same conversation with our dad is
"You ok?" "Yeah." That's all he needs to know
and, oddly, that's all we need to tell him.
Even when fathers aren't physically there, we feel their presence.
At twenty five or fifty, we still recognize situations that call for
Dad. And until we lose him, we will always make the call.
Maybe fathers know best or maybe not. It doesn't really matter. Just
knowing they are on our side, makes us stronger. Knowing that the
net will be there makes us more confident. Knowing that we will never
be out on that limb alone, makes us secure. Rarely spoken, seldom
explained, the abiding knowledge of a fathers love is our ultimate
defense in a scary universe. Without it, we are disarmed.
With it, we can conquer the world.
June
2002 
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