In Business / May 2006
Classified Employment Opportunity
POSITION: Mother
JOB TITLE: Mom
JOB DESCRIPTION: Long-term team player needed for challenging permanent work in chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, including evenings, weekends and frequent 24-hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES: Must provide on-site training in basic life skills, from nose-blowing to table manners.
Must have strong skills in negotiating, conflict resolution and crisis management. Ability to suture is a plus.
Must reconcile petty cash disbursements and be proficient in managing budgets and resources fairly in the face of “He got more than me!”
Must be able to drive motor vehicles safely under loud and adverse conditions while simultaneously practicing conflict resolution. Must be able to choose the battles and stand up to criticism, like “You don’t know anything.”
Must be willing to be hated temporarily.
Must be prepared for stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must accept status that varies from indispensable to being an embarrassment.
Must handle assembly and product safety
testing of a thousand cheap plastic toys and battery operated devices. Also, must have highly energetic entrepreneurial spirit, for fund-raising activities.
Must operate with a diverse knowledge base to answer questions from “What makes the wind move?” or “Why are grandpa’s teeth in a glass?”
Must always hope for the best, be prepared for the worst and assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include regular floor maintenance and janitorial duties.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT
AND PROMOTION:
None. Candidate will remain in the same position for years, constantly retraining and updating skills, so that underlings can ultimately surpass her.
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION: Go to those supervised, with frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due at 18 because of the assumption college will help them become financially independent. In this reverse salary scheme, underlings also get whatever is left when worker dies.
BENEFITS: No health or dental insurance, no pension, tuition reimbursement, paid holidays or stock options offered. However, job offers limitless opportunities for personal growth, love, hugs, and Mother’s Day cards for life.
Happy Mother’s Day to all past and present applicants!
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Femme Fair 2006
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