In Business / May 2008
A Cure for "I'm Sorry" Syndrome
Did you ever notice that some people seem to be in a perpetual state of apology?
“I’m sorry I didn’t show up on time.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t call.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t get that done.”
This type of communication typically comes from individuals who are in the habit of making excuses for their actions. They know that they have a commitment they haven’t met, and, instead of facing the music, they choose to say “I’m sorry” to skirt the issue.
Think about how you feel when you hear this merry-go-round of excuses. During this ride, on the way up there is a feeling that the person has noticed their poor behavior and will make changes; on the way down, however, depression follows—when you realize no change is coming. This is a ride on which no one wants to buy a ticket to ride! Where does this behavior come from? A look at our childhood offers us clues. As children we are taught to say “I’m sorry” whenever we have failed to meet the expectations of others.
“I’m sorry I didn’t clean my room.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t do my homework.”
“I’m sorry I wasn’t home on time.”
We are indoctrinated as children to pacify adults with apologies to get them off our backs. We quickly learn that “I’m sorry” ends the uncomfortable situation, making us free to move on to other things.
Because this behavior works, we carry it into adulthood. We then easily offer up an “I’m sorry” in any situation where the
expectations of us are greater than our performance. We learn that by saying “I’m sorry” we can smooth out, or pacify, potential rough spots. What is lacking when an “I’m sorry” is offered is the commitment to make a positive change. A better alternative to constantly saying “I’m sorry” is to replace those excuses with behaviors that will create positive outcomes:
Excuse Offered - Alternative Behavior to replace the excuse:
“I’m sorry I didn’t show up on time.” - Choose to be punctual.
“I’m sorry I didn’t call.” - Make the phone call.
“I’m sorry I didn’t get that done.” - Choose to do it.
Remember, the quality of our life is in direct proportion to the choices that we make and how we act upon them. Part of building a healthy self-esteem is to make promises that you will can keep. When you over-promise and under-deliver, you are negatively affected:; you suffer a feeling of low self-confidence and lack of control. Furthermore, the person on the receiving end of your excuse willis left doubting your word and loses confidence in your ability to perform.
So when is it appropriate to say “I’m sorry”? For example, “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Next time I’ll think about what I’m going to say before I say it.” Although you have used the magic words “I’m sorry,” you have also acknowledged the negative affect your behavior has had on the other person. In addition, you’ve also indicated to that person your commitment to improve your behavior in the future. Just think about what it would mean if everyone would live their life so they wouldn’t have to say “I’m sorry.” When we heard a promise, we could expect it to be delivered. And when we offered others our word, they could expect the same promise to be fulfilled. Today, make a commitment to examine how and why you use “I’m sorry.” By doing so you will make the first step toward self-diagnosing and curing the “I’m Sorry” Syndrome.
Susanne Gaddis, PhD, known as the Communications Doctor, is an acknowledged communications expert who has been speaking and teaching the art of effective and positive communication through workshops, seminars, keynote presentations, and career saving executive coaching across the United States since 1989. Dr. Gaddis has appeared on nationally syndicated radio, TV and video programming and has authored articles appearing in The Journal of Training and Development, The Whole American Nurse, and Shape Magazine. Past clients include: NASA, Oracle, Schlumberger, and the American Nurses Association. For free articles written by Dr. Gaddis, or to purchase her book Communication Booster Shots: Prescriptions for Effective Communication visit http://www.CommunicationsDoctor.com.
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