Parent Talk / August 2006
After 'Happily
Ever After'
By Cristina Guarneri, Ed.S.
Divorce isn’t just about two people no longer sharing the same home. It’s the reinvention
of two separate lives that were bonded together as one. Statistics show divorce and separation affects marriages within the first 15 years. One million children in America are involved in a new divorce annually according to Divorce Magazine, 2005. It’s hard to imagine
a more difficult transition for children than to watch their parents divorce.
Divorce often causes children to feel fear, loss, abandonment, and parental tension as a “routine” aspect of their lives. There are a number of perspectives on how children view divorce.
Fear of change is a major issue. The children in a divorcing family know nothing will ever be the same again, and their once secure world is in a state of change. Many things will be part of this change, beyond the absence of one parent and change can affect daily routines.
Fear of abandonment is another major issue. Children have a realistic fear that losing one parent could cause the loss of the other. The concept of being alone in the world is frightening for a child of any age.
Children with a natural attachment for their parents can have a fear of losing other secure relationships, like friends, pets, or siblings.
Children become attached to their surroundings
and moving into a new neighborhood
or home can cause a negative reaction.
Coping with parental tension can be a recurring problem. Many divorces follow years of tension between husbands and wives, and the tension level typically increases during
and shortly after a divorce. Parents who try to turn their children against the other spouse create a difficult situation.
How a child will react to divorce depends on the stability of the home life. For some children, separation and divorce can bring a sense of relief, especially if verbal or even physical abuse developed. Children feel a sense of responsibility for a marriage that has ended that can cause a variety of short-term psychological effects.
The psychological effects of divorce-related depression can be short-term but have the potential for long-term damage. Although it’s natural for children to become upset over a parent’s divorce, there are particular indicators
that a child may be depressed.
Some indicative signs include losing interest in activities, excessive withdrawal, fears of many unrelated thing, clinging or infantile behavior, anger and acting out behavior. Children with depression may exhibit difficulty sleeping, an inability to eat or over-eating. Academic problems, with a dramatic drop in grades, may appear.
Some children may turn to the use of drugs or alcohol, self-injury, rage, violent behavior or run away from home. Decreased self-esteem and feelings of hopelessness may be apparent.
Parents of a child with two or more of these symptoms should seek help or therapy whether it’s professional counseling, support groups or community programs aimed at helping both parents and children.
There are a number of ways to help children with the impact of divorce but both parents must be involved. It does very little good for one parent alone to work at reassurance.
Both parents need to make sure children understand that both mom and dad will still be their parents, will discipline them when needed, follow consistent rules, and will love them and remain in their lives.
Divorcing parents must respect one another. Children do best when their divorcing
parents treat each other respectfully and civilly. Even if the anger is unbearable or one parent feels wronged in the divorce process, parents must communicate respect for one another to their children.
Children feel more secure when there is a standard routine so parents should keep bedtimes, no matter which home the children are staying in and make chores consistent, while putting aside some extra time for the child’s own use.
Shared activities can enhance the quality
and enjoyment of family life and improve the health of the whole family. Whether it’s the movies, arts and crafts or just playing a video game or the computer, kids can relax and have fun.
Also, involving children with others their own age allows them to interact and have a free flow of conversation. Unstructured play dates allow children to express themselves through their imagination, promotes creativity
and allows children to regain the freedom to think and act while reducing stress.
Divorce can be very traumatic but no matter how justified the reason, it is important
to minimize the impact. Parents can hope the change of divorce will be one of growth for themselves and their children.
Cristina Guarneri received her masters and post-masters in Mental Health Counseling from Montclair State and Seton Hall University and has been an individual and family therapist for eight years. She is the author of “Just Being Me,” “The Magic Tree” and “Angel’s Wings”.
Copyright © 2005-2006 A Woman's View. All rights reserved.
Femme Fair 2006
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