Parent Talk / August 2006
The View on Infidelity
By Carolyn Escandon
One congressman recently made the news by advocating that infidelity be treated as a felony, with a jail sentence imposed upon conviction. The first mental image attached to this idea might be of already overcrowded jails, swollen with an additional 50% of the population, both male and female.
Late night TV hosts would have a field day and the covers of magazines at the check-out counters would be overrun with familiar faces as defendants.
Infidelity is an obvious topic of interest culturally and personally. The importance of the subject in general, may not be so obvious.
Entire books on infidelity can be found with different ‘types’ defined in detail. Some explain the cause as external and place blame on spouses, society, religion or some other outside influence. Others detail the character defects of offenders and their spouses.
The pain of betrayal is overwhelming and life changing for most people. Still it is estimated that about half of all married men and women will at some time be unfaithful to their spouse.
Despite its prevalence, couples must know that infidelity can be avoided. Regardless of how confused women and men are about the issues, they can understand the very real threat that infidelity poses to their future and their children’s future. And, though the hurled accusations and swirling judgments may seem inescapable, the damage does not have to be irreparable.
Infidelity affects men and women intensely, but it is especially toxic to the innocent bystanders. The best atmosphere for raising children is a solid and stable family where both parents are involved with the children and with each other. This factor is more important than economics. Most couples who marry want to create a good marriage and are hopeful they can, yet most are unprepared for the difficulties they face.
One major challenge is that there is no clear model for everyone. Often, the traditional models do not work in a contemporary family. Meeting the challenge includes a certain amount of hard work by both partners. Part of that hard work is the union of committed, intelligent adults steadfastly refusing to get into power struggles with each other. Power struggles and their fallout can poison the marriage.
What can heal and maintain the marriage is respectful communication with the goal of listening to and understanding the other. Partners must acknowledge and accept each other’s personal reactions to events, without judgment or criticism.
The practice of daily kindness is an effective defense against infidelity. Daily kindness enriches the heart and the hearts of those around.
Respect, understanding, communication and kindness are building blocks of a fortress that can withstand the hazards of distractions or the threat of a full assault.
The cost, of course, is hard work on a daily basis and resisting the easy answers of others. Only the couple can define the rules of their marriage, so the ‘rules’ come from the inside not the outside, and from the hearts of each person.
People do not easily give up or endanger anything they have created by their own work and sweat, especially if they have created it from their own heart.
Carolyn Escandon, APRN, BC is a Clinical Nurse Specialist and a therapist at Counseling and Wellness Center in Parkersburg, WV.
Copyright © 2005-2006 A Woman's View. All rights reserved.
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