Parent Talk / October 2006
The Write Way to Talk
By Jean Becker
Conversations with children are one of the best ways to know them, understand them, and stay close to them. Even though they may communicate through behavior, body language and moods, these one-sided methods only tell part of the story and can be tricky to interpret.
Young children handle their uncertainties with creative innocence by confiding in a pet, or rehearsing their words with a teddy bear, or even telling all, to a baby sister who doesn’t even understand what they are saying anyway. Older children and teens often rely on friends as a sounding board for advice, answers to questions and ideas to solve problems. Parents wondering how they fit into their child’s world may want to ask themselves questions to see if lines of communication are adequately opened.
A parent that feels awkward about sensitive matters or is caught off guard when asked a tough question, may consider expanding her communication options. Parents who wish to help their children express themselves or want to know where or how their children are hurting might consider try a different method of communication. Parent s want their kids to believe they are best person to talk to about anything may wish to open a new dialog through a written conversation companion.
Writing is another way of having a conversation. Whether the message is happy, sad, or contrite, it’s easier to write it than to say it out loud. Writing should be as relaxed as conversation, without punctuation, without searching for correct spelling. It should be open and honest with the understanding it will be read and responded to by a parent. It should have no right or wrong. It should not resemble schoolwork.
A “conversation companion” can be a simple sheet of paper with the word message at the top, followed by empty lines for writing. Half way down the page is the word reply, also followed by blank lines. The child writes a message in the form of a question, statement, even a thought. It can ask for permission, guidance, help, recognition or understanding. It can express wishes, thoughts, desire, sorrow and appreciation.
The paper should be placed in a designated, neutral location visible to the parent, not hidden away in a child’s room. The message is an open invitation and an obligation for parents to respond with a reply that addresses the concerns of the child. In this written dialog, the child becomes more conversant with the written word.
Children like to use the “conversation companion” since it’s a positive way of getting some attention, and so are likely to communicate more regularly. Since the parent has time to think about a reply, their words will be more thoughtful, less judgmental. As both parties become more familiar with the practice, their comments become less awkward. When a child asks a tough question, parents have time to think about the reply. As children write messages on a regular basis, they learn to express themselves more adequately, and often, improve their writing skills.
Perhaps most importantly, as children become more accustomed to writing down their thoughts, they reveal what’s on their mind and identify where they are hurting.
When children are unsure about the safety or morality of their plans, rather than discuss it, they may write it down on paper as a rehearsal. Children who are embarrassed to talk about sex are more likely to ask about it if they can write their questions, rather than saying them out loud. Children learn their parents are the best person to talk with if they can always be depended on for a response.
And it’s much easier for parents and children to admit a wrong or a transgression in writing than in person.
As they become accustomed to thinking about what they want to say, children and adults omit the hurtful words blurted out in the heat of argument and build a mutual respect for each other.
The message and reply system is meant to be shared with a parent and doesn’t violate a trust as would reading a diary; nor is it just the “good stuff” as in a journal. Rather, it strengthens the bond between parents and children. In a short time, children will be more comfortable telling about themselves and with practice, be part of a thoughtful, comfortable, honest verbal dialog.
Jean Becker is author of “An Orphan’s Song,” the story of her life experiences in an orphanage. For more information, visit www.jeanbeckerspeaks.com or call: 941-758-7206.
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