Parent Talk / December 2005
A Culture of Meanness
By Carolyn Escandon
Too many teen girls face their school days immersed in meanness from other teen girls. The bullying today is not so much about kids hitting each other, but about kids being hurt, sometimes profoundly, by intentional meanness. The social weapons used in this war cut deeper than the traditional sticks and stones. Taunts, teasing, name-calling, gossip-mongering, ostracism, harassment and humiliation are the instruments of abuse most commonly faced by fifth to tenth grade girls. They are often disguised as being “cool” or “hip”.
The movie “Mean Girls” is found in the Comedy section of Blockbuster but there is nothing funny about it. It depicts the ways and means of young women hurting their peers under the nose of inept teachers and oblivious parents. Many teens have seen the movie many times, but many live the movie each day. ‘Popular’ once meant that a teen had a lot of friends, now it is more likely to refer to one of a member of a clique of girls who are exclusive and won’t interact with anyone who is in any way different. Looking or acting different is seen as deserving derision.
The internet has become an accessible instrument of torture by girls who use their verbal skills to attack other girls. Malicious schoolmates who once might at least have been obliged to face their opponent, now can spread rumors and lies in chat rooms and websites with no fear of discovery. Unsupervised, unrestricted and under cover of anonymity, they can be as vulgar and vengeful as they wish.
The intentional malice of this system and the harm being done-needs immediate, focused attention from adults. It is deeply harmful, not harmless, and in no way “just kid stuff”. Parents, teachers and churches need to make a deliberate, concerted effort to take note and play an active part in stopping the practice. Adults must strongly assert and regularly reinforce the message that being mean isn’t funny and that it isn’t part of the family’s values or the group’s values. It can’t be left up to kids to solve, because if it is, kids who are victims often suffer the additional pain of feeling abandoned by adults they trust. Children who have been the target of hateful behavior may get over it, but they never forget.
For concerned adults, there is no substitute for paying attention to what kids are doing and saying. Stressing and rewarding positive values likeness, empathy and helpfulness are effective countermeasures to meanness among teens. They are also the most effective preventive measures.
In a society where competition is idealized, fighting and punishment are common, looks and social status are adult priorities, and minorities are disdained, it isn’t surprising to find teens acting as a mirror for behavior they see around them. In fact, this behavior is a very important thing to understand about teens: they act out what they see around them. That means they will also reflect the positive, loving and altruistic values they see.
The thing to remember is that teens reflect what adults actually do, not what adults say, so adults must really practice what they preach. It is one of the most valuable lessons for adults who love kids.
Carolyn Escandon, APRN, BC is a Clinical Nurse Specialist at the Counseling and Wellness Center in Parkersburg, WV and for Counseling and Psychiatric Associates, Marietta,Ohio. For more information, call 304-422-7300.
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