Special
Archives January 2004
Marriage
on the Rocks
By Pat Lawrence
Patty Groom counsels couples with trouble
on the home front. |
April is the month of taxes, but January is the month for divorces.
Many couples aim for one last Christmas before splitting up, fortified
with resolutions for a new life in the new year. Patty Groom,
a professional counselor, helps couples find their way back together.
She says, “There are so many expectations, distractions,
complications, and possibilities for misunderstanding, the odds are
really against two people getting married and living happily ever after.
But, doing the work improves the odds.”
Patty says, “Relationships require work. Really successful
relationships have had a lot of work put into them. The couples
treat each other with respect and with consideration. They consider
each other’s needs and demonstrate their love.
They never quit giving compliments. ” Patty says couples get
so busy, they forget to keep their relationship special. “Mothers
and fathers want to be good parents, but the total focus becomes the
children. They quit spending time alone together. They forget
‘us’. ‘Us time’ doesn’t have to be expensive
- coffee in the morning or a Sunday drive-, it just has to be spent.”
Some behaviors indicate a troubled relationship. Patti says,
“When one – or both- quit looking forward to going home,
there’s a problem. When couples quit celebrating birthdays
or anniversaries, it can be a bad sign. Avoidance is a red flag.
When there’s a decline in communication, they quit talking, it’s
a problem. If there’s a decline in intimacy, it’s
extremely important to do something then, and not let it go on.
If one partner doesn’t want to have sex, it’s a symptom
of a problem, not the problem.
She says couples can let their relationship get to a point where it’s
too late for help, but “Love can take a lot of chips and cracks
before it shatters.” The first thing Patty tells couples
is, “When there’s a problem in a relationship, both people
are contributing their part. Both of them must change their focus
from what the spouse is doing wrong to ‘What am I doing
to contribute to the problem?’ No matter how wrong either
might be or what wrong action has been done, both are playing a part
in the problem.”
Surprisingly, Patty says, “An affair doesn’t necessarily
mean the end of a relationship. It may just be a red flag that
something is going on in the relationship that needs work. The
other spouse is angry and hurt, but even so, both played a part in contributing
to the problem, whether it was letting resentment build, ignoring signs
of unhappiness or perhaps not acknowledging that a problem existed.”
Communication is a huge issue in keeping relationships intact.
“It’s important to acknowledge what the other person contributes
or provides in the relationship. If one works a demanding job,
the other might need to acknowledge that he or she benefits from the
rewards of that job. Everyone appreciates a compliment.”
Patty notices a problem when friends are treated better than spouses.
“Couples need to be friends besides being romantically involved.
Spouses deserve the thoughtfulness, care and concern we give best friends.”
In the counseling process, Patty says she frequently finds couples
don’t have a clue about their partners needs. “People
often don’t verbalize their needs so it’s hard to know what
they are. Sometimes fear keeps people from being assertive, from explaining
their needs or giving clear guidelines for meeting them and the relationship
suffers. Counseling can be very helpful in providing an objective
look at what’s happening in the relationship. A woman may
resent her husband’s time on the golf course. A man raised by
a traditional, at-home mother, may resent the demands of a working wife’s
job. We can’t expect other people to think the way we do.
But, we have to respectful of what they think.”
Patty says, “Conflict is inevitable and it’s perfectly
alright to want different things. Even the closest companions
have different desires and goals, but rating them as more significant
or more valuable undermines the relationship. Each person’s
needs are valid. Couples who know that and work jointly toward the same
end purpose improve their chances for a successful relationship.”
Patty Groom, is a licensed Professional Counselor with a private
practice at the Counseling and Wellness Center in Parkersburg.
For more information call 304-422-4222 or visit www.counselingandwellnesscenter.com.
Copyright © 2001-2009 A Woman's View. All rights reserved.
Top • Home • Subscribe • Advertise • Submit • Distribution • Contact
Support Our Advertisers • Organization Resources • Women Owned Business
Organization Resource List • Women Owned Businesses • Support Our Advertisers
Maintained by TEABROOKE
Website Design | SEO | Social Media Consulting
Related Sites | XMLSiteMap | Web Portal
Landing Zone SEO - Website | Search | Usability | Results | Goodness
Send an Email About This Article