Employee evaluations are enjoyed almost equally by those giving them
and those receiving, although it rarely seems that way. They are usually
considered as much fun as filling out a 1040 with itemized deductions
and as cheerfully anticipated as an IRS audit.
Employee evaluations offer limitless opportunity for personal and
professional growth as well as personal and professional humiliation.
The best thing that can be said about this apparently necessary evils
is that employee evaluations generally aren’t fatal. Generally.
The following were taken from real employee evaluations:
Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and shows
signs of starting to dig.
This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
definitely-won't-be.
Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat
in a trap.
When he opens his mouth, it's only to change whichever foot was previously
in there.
He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
Has delusions of adequacy.
He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
them.
This employee should go far -- the sooner he starts, the better.
This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't looking.
Got a full six-pack but is missing the plastic thingy that holds it
together.
A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
In an IQ test, one-celled organisms outscore him.
Donated his brain to science before he was quite finished using it.
This man has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking
for it.
He's so dense that light bends around him.
If brains were taxed, he would get a rebate.
Any dumber and he would need to be watered twice a week.
If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you would get change back.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, this one gargled.
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