By Pat Lawrence
Sometimes pain reaches all the way to the soul. Little girls who are
sexually assaulted know that kind of pain. It colors their life with
dark shadows and leaves secret, aching, empty places in their hearts.
Diane, now 40, lives in Parkersburg. Her father first assaulted her
at age seven, when she was in the second grade. He came to her at
night, after bedtime, until she was fourteen. “When I finally
told my mother, she called me the worst names. She insisted I made
it up. She tried to convince me that I made it up.” Diane ran
away from home when she was 17.
It took years of enduring sadness and anger, before she could admit
what had happened to her and get help. She doesn’t remember
a lot of her childhood. Diane often played the Mom role when she was
young – cooking, caring for her younger brother and taking care
of the family. Her sister, married and living in another state, was
also molested by her father. Diane says she can’t remember where
her mom was during all this time. She has never married and often
finds herself feeling sad, but not sure why. Diane has been in counseling
and attending group meetings at EVE for two years.
Diane is one of too many young girls who have suffered the betrayal
of sexual assault by a father. National statistics reflect many girls
and women with similar experiences. According to US Department of
Justice statistics, 44% of rape victims are under 18. Three of every
twenty victims are under 12. 93% of juvenile sexual assault victims
knew their attacker; 34% were family members. Only 7% of the perpetrators
were strangers.
The women in the group want to speak out, to speak up. But, it’s
very hard. “We’re taught to keep quiet, to pretend everything
is OK. We’re told ‘what happens in the family should stay
in the family’. We’re told ‘It happened a long time
ago – get over it!’ And, it’s hard to talk about
because we’ve kept it inside for so long.” Fear for their
safety or their family can also keep them silent. Abusers can be violent.
Another reason women maintain the suffocating silence is shame –
the terrible feeling it’s their fault, that they did something
wrong, that the blame is theirs. The guilt is overwhelming. Outsiders
can’t imagine a child feeling responsible for the terrible crime
committed against them, but it is a universal response among sexually
abused children. The guilt can be reinforced by mothers who refuse
to acknowledge the terrible truth about a man who shared – and
often still shares- their bed.
Some women are eventually able to confront their fathers. Many do
not. Dianne has not. “I was scared to come forward for fear
of shame, of being ridiculed and accused of making things up. Besides,
it’s more socially acceptable to be an alcoholic or drug addict
than a sexual abuse victim.”
Two women in the group are sisters. “There were several girls
in our family. Each thought she was the only one being molested. People
thought our family was like Ozzie and Harriet.” Their mother
died never admitting what had happened. The other daughters aren’t
in counseling but finally know they weren’t the only girl subjected
to abuse. When one sister threatened to turn the father in for molesting
a grandchild, the man swore he’d burn down her home. He is married
and has grandchildren. The sisters are sure he’s molesting them.
Tiffany, 25 and single, was molested by a family friend from age
6 till about age 10. Although clean since April, she began using drugs
when she was 15. “When I told my Mom about this - my mom is
Suzy Homemaker – she said to keep quiet, don’t tell anyone.”
Now, Tiffany wants to break the silence. The women, all from different
backgrounds, want to make a statement to help open lines of communication.
They say women are scared to death to come forward, afraid to tell
details. “They feel too scrutinized; there are too many questions.
It’s hard to remember.”
It’s hard to tell.
They say sexually abused children become great actors. “We
wear these masks, and act like everything is perfectly normal.”
The women live with heightened sensitivity to small nuances of gestures
and voice intonation. They don’t want people to feel sorry for
them; they feel bad enough for themselves. They do want other women
to know that healing can happen and that talking with other women
who understand can help. Tiffany says, “This is a place to get
support. Women can say whatever they want and know they aren’t
alone. We talk about what’s going on now and managing our lives
today. Healing may be a lifelong process, but it can happen.”
Visit Tiffany’s website for more information about breaking
the silence. http://hometown.aol.com/tiffaneeizme/
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