Special
Features / October 2007
Emotional Vampires
The old saying “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” carries on with us from our school age days. But, as adults, especially women, we know that this is not true. Words do hurt. We live in a society where people habitually say rude, abrasive, sometimes clever, things to each other, which are often quite funny. We especially see and hear it on television. It seems funny at the time, and we laugh. But if you are on the receiving end of the hurtful words, it is NOT funny! And, if you hear the degrading words often enough, you will begin to question yourself and start believing what is being said is true.
It is unfathomable to most people that the person they are dating or in love with would do anything to hurt them. As women, we are usually the last one to really notice that it’s not funny, but it is demoralizing. Usually, it is friends or family who initially say something or start asking questions about the relationship. They usually say things, in the beginning, like “is everything ok with you two?” or “I feel that there may be ‘something just not right’ with you two”.
Don’t think that emotional abuse only happens to women with little education or money. This is definitely NOT true. Many reports have shown the professional women that hold prominent jobs and make high salaries are just as likely to allow this abuse to happen to them.
Nobody should lose years, or even months, of their life in the misery, humiliation and fear of an abusive relationship. If anyone says mean things about you and won’t stop when you tell them not to, because it’s upsetting you, that is abusive. That person is giving you a clear signal that they don’t care about your feelings. If they don’t care about your feelings, make no mistake, they will smash into you whenever they want to, just to make themselves feel better. That is the reality of a verbally abusive relationship.
If his words make you feel small, worthless or humiliated, and he doesn’t respect or consider how you feel, that is emotional abuse. More important, it is unacceptable. Yes, UNACCEPTABLE, no matter what the excuse. Hurting your feelings, or being careless of your feelings, however you choose to see it, is unacceptable. PERIOD!
These emotional abusers get their needs met by draining the life, the spirit, the independence, the joy, out of you. They are emotional vampires!
Unfortunately, it is estimated that more than 60% of relationships have some type of “abuse” in them. The American Institute of Domestic Violence reports that 85-95% of all domestic violence survivors are female, over 50,000 women are stalked by an intimate partner each year, and over 5.3 million women are abused each year.
According to Dorothy M. Neddermeyer, Ph.D., there are common indicators.
1. Are you discouraged or coerced about talking with family, friends or co-workers?
2. Is he jealous of your time, your career, other people in your life?
3. Does your partner insist on going everywhere with you?
4. Do you have to discuss activity plans, people you will be with, and why you are going to do something with him before you can do them?
5. Does he play mind games?
6. Is he jealous of your success?
7. Does he act negatively to authority figures?
8. Does he believe that the man makes the decisions?
9. Does he call you names? (It counts if he calls you names when he is mad.)
10. Does he belittle or talk down to you?
11. Does he blame you if something goes awry?
12. Does he negate your opinions, feelings, ideas, etc?
13. Does he get violent when he drinks alcohol?
14. Does he come from an abusive or highly dysfunctional home?
15. Does he use shame and/or guilt to control a situation or get his way?
16. Does he lose his temper and throw things, hit objects or abuse animals?
17. Does he down-play any act of aggression as being a minor incident?
18. Does he characterize domestic violence as an exaggeration or myth?
If you answered ‘yes’ to any of the questions, Dr. Neddermeyer suggests you are in a “relationship that could progress to physical abuse unless there is immediate and effective professional intervention. The other person needs to recognize that their behavior is not acceptable and you need to accept you will enable him to continue to abuse you if you continue to stay in the relationship as is”.
Maybe you don’t know for sure whether what your partner says counts as abuse or not. He doesn’t actually hit you. Maybe he is telling you the truth. He may say that you are just too sensitive, or too demanding, or too unreasonable. Don’t believe it. If it hurts you, then you have a reason to be sensitive about it.
Remember, emotional abuse doesn’t stop the day you walk away from an emotionally abusive partner. Unfortunately, it will probably continue to affect you long after the ordeal with your emotional abuser is over.
If you feel that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, or if you are “not sure”, then seek professional advice.
Copyright © 2007 A Woman's View. All rights reserved.
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