Legal fees and changes in finances are visible costs of a divorce,
but women pay a price in other ways. Carolyn Escandon, a mental health
nurse practitioner says, “Women often feel responsible for the
breakup. They think it must be their looks or weight, or something
they did wrong that made the marriage fail. But their cooking isn’t
what caused the divorce. The foundation of a good marriage is honesty
and trust. Once those are breached, the marriage is in trouble and
both sides have to work to fix it. Sometimes, it can’t be fixed.”
Though divorce can initiate a number of painful discoveries, Carolyn
says women are rarely prepared for the sense of loss that accompanies
divorce. “Divorce is as traumatic as the death of a parent or
losing a job. The pain isn’t only losing a partner, it’s
giving up romantic illusions and dreams, and the beliefs about why
she married him in the first place.” Carolyn says another loss
is unexpected and often more distressing. “With children, the
family has a life of its own, a rhythm. There is a shocking emptiness
when that rhythm is interrupted. The loss of the ‘family’
is a very big loss.”
Carolyn tells divorcing clients, “Step away from the power
struggle. Give up the need to be a victim – or an accuser. Just
say, ‘I want a divorce.’ Don’t spend time convincing
the neighbors or telling the kids how bad he is. People fight over
the money but the personal stake in the divorce- what was wanted,
what needs weren’t met- that’s the real loss. Money doesn’t
make up the difference.”
When a husband cheats, the anger can be overwhelming. “A woman
has the right to be angry, to feel betrayed. But, she must recognize
it’s his problem. It’s a myth that if she’d kept
him happy, he wouldn’t have cheated. Anger is fine, but the
next step is resolution. She can use the energy from her anger for
revenge or to sabotage his new relationship. Or, she can use it in
a positive way. She can take a new look at him and ask ‘Do I
still want to be married to him?’ Yes or no, she must step away
from the power struggle. It’s poison.”
Carolyn says most people exit marriage looking for a new love interest.
“The reality is that it takes about two years to go through
the grieving process. Friends say ‘get out and start dating’.
Don’t. Take time to process what happened. And, evaluate everyone’s
expectations. There are no perfect people out there, no perfect mate
waiting in the wings. ”
With half of all marriages ending in divorce and 9000 divorces in
West Virginia each year, any woman who says “I do” may
end up saying, “I wish I hadn’t.” Carolyn believes
expectations are a critical factor in unsuccessful marriages. “Women
are programmed into unrealistic expectation, into expecting unquestioning,
eternal acceptance. But, what we see in the movies doesn’t happen
in life. Tom Hanks isn’t flying in from Seattle. A woman should
understand what she can realistically expect from a mate, so she doesn’t
make the same mistake again.”
Carolyn recommends mediation. “Mediation is much less expensive
than litigation. Couples rarely know how to negotiate, how to search
for what’s best for the marriage rather than looking to win.
With mediation, agreements can be reached that respect both parties.”
Even knowing it’s the worst thing to do to kids, parents still
fight. Carolyn cautions, “Kids don’t need to know who’s
the good guy and bad guy. They just need to be loved by both parents.
If one parent isn’t as capable of love as the other, let them
find that out later.”
The pain of separation and divorce can be magnified at the holiday
season. “Women may feel overwhelmed trying to maintain appearances
when it feels like their world is collapsing around them.” Carolyn
says unrealistic expectations cause greater problems.
“It’s hard to get through this alone. Women need to not
expect so much from themselves – and everyone else- while they’re
grieving. It’s OK to ask for help from family and friends. It’s
OK to get professional help, to learn how to express anger constructively
and to recognize and work through the stages of loss.
Carolyn suggests that women try to gain insight into their selection
process and their relationship expectations. “It takes time
to recognize, grieve, and accept the changes from a divorce. It’s
time that can be used to rebuild self esteem and set realistic goals.”
She recommends pocketing that magnifier for the season. “Picture
perfect holidays are an illusion. Be realistic about what can happen.”
Carolyn Escandon, APRN, BC, is a Clinical Nurse Specialist at
the Counseling and Wellness Center in Parkersburg. For more information,
contact her at 304-422-7300.
For Separated and Single Moms
Things to do with kids:
Help care for pets or foster a pet for the weekend
Start collections, resarch and discuss them
Create a mini-business that involves them
Add plants to the garden, make a pizza garden or herb garden, or
plant seeds and watch them grow
Volunteer, with children’s groups, animal shelters, art or
drama groups, for seniors or civic associations
Complete puzzles, models, crafts, and other projects.
Visit museums, businesses, the library, the airport, art galleries,
historic sites, arboretums and state parks.
Attend concerts, plays, puppet shows, free performances.
Explore nature - hike, bike, swim, ski, fish
Go to community events, parades, tree trimmings, pageants and school
performances
Things to do for kids:
Be honest. Don't lead the child to believe "Dad's away on business"
or "everything is going to be wonderful". Children are very
perceptive. They know if a parent is trying to hide something, even
if the purpose is to spare their feelings. Children need simple straightforward
answers they can understand, without blame or making anyone wrong
or bad.
Let the child know it isn’t their fault. All children assume
they may be responsible for their parents' break-up. Children need
to be gently reassured repeatedly over the first couple of years that
the divorce is an adult decision having nothing to do with them or
their behavior.
Let the child know their response to the divorce is OK, whatever
it may be. Many children hide their feelings of sadness, grief, anger
or confusion because they’re afraid expressing them will upset
their parents. Children need to know all their feelings are acceptable.
Remember that the best gifts are tied with heartstrings.
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